Three directions of idealization in narcissism: the past, the future, and the other

Narcissism is not simply about admiring oneself too much. Idealization is sometimes directed toward the past, sometimes toward the future, and sometimes toward another person.

🕰️ Akhtar describes two familiar fantasies. “If only” idealizes the past: “If that hadn't happened, my life would have been different.” “Someday” idealizes the future: “Someday everyone will see.” According to Akhtar, these fantasies are common in the human mind; in severe personality disorders, however, they become persistent and defensive. Empirical studies show a similar pattern: people with higher levels of narcissism were found to have more positive and more future-oriented thoughts about themselves; negative thoughts about the past were also more frequent. In one experiment, these individuals more often chose grandiose fantasy to feel better, and this fantasy reduced their negative affect more effectively.

🪞 The third direction is the other. According to Kohut’s self psychology, people whose early needs were not met may remain overly dependent on those around them to regulate their self-worth. In the clinical literature, seeing oneself and others as either perfect or worthless is understood as a defense; accounts from loved ones also describe idealization and devaluation occurring side by side within the same relationship. My interpretation is this: the other may be idealized as long as they support the self, and devaluation may emerge when that support falters.

Important note: these three directions are not an established classification in the literature. This is an interpretation that brings together separate strands of literature for educational purposes and is not to be used to diagnose anyone.

To build awareness: notice your “if only” and “someday” statements, ask yourself what you are feeling at that moment, recognize that mourning excessive hope is part of clinical work, see the other as a whole person, and set boundaries in close relationships.

This content is not diagnostic or treatment advice.

References:
Akhtar (1996), J Am Psychoanal Assoc
Kanske ve ark. (2017), J Pers Disord
Finch ve Hooley (2023), Front Psychiatry
Baker ve Baker (1987), Am J Psychiatry
Diamond ve Meehan (2013), J Clin Psychol
Day ve ark. (2022), Personal Ment Health
Pincus ve Lukowitsky (2010), Annu Rev Clin Psychol
Pincus ve ark. (2009), Psychol Assess
Blay ve ark. (2024), J Psychiatr Pract

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