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← Back to blogOverpsychologizing relationships: therapy-speak and intellectualization
In the 100 most-viewed #ADHD TikTok videos, fewer than half of the claims about symptoms were found to align with diagnostic criteria.
The language of psychology learned on social media has entered our lives. Attachment style, boundaries, gaslighting, avoidant, narcissist. Used appropriately, these concepts foster awareness. But two risks are growing: treating ordinary difficulties as illnesses and silencing our partners with a label. This is called "therapy-speak" in the literature. In a small pilot study of young people seeking treatment for the first time, all participants had watched mental health content online, and most had given themselves a diagnosis that no clinician had made.
The real issue is this: understanding an emotion is no substitute for experiencing it. Turning an uncomfortable feeling into an interpretation the moment it arises ("that's your attachment wound") reduces uncertainty but cuts off contact with the emotion. This is called intellectualization. The pattern described in the couples therapy literature is this: couples talk cooperatively and demonstrate insight, yet still report persistent emotional distance.
Closeness, however, comes from somewhere else. In records of daily interactions, the best predictors of intimacy were self-disclosure and receiving a responsive reaction; sharing emotions was more powerful than sharing information. In recordings of newlywed couples' arguments, the most effective repair attempts came not through logic but through emotional connection: shared humor, affection, and taking responsibility for one's own part. Among 960 couples, repeatedly dwelling on problems together increased depression and anxiety 15 to 20 weeks later, without improving relationship satisfaction. Even when symptom severity was held constant, people who labeled themselves as "having depression" perceived less control over their condition.
A roadmap: Name the feeling, not the diagnosis (instead of "you're avoidant," say "I feel scared when you pull away"). Make a repair attempt within the first 3 minutes of an argument; the aim is to protect the bond, not to prove yourself right. Set a time limit on going over the same problem. Treat social media content as a question, not a diagnosis. Don't be afraid to show your imperfections: the other person views your vulnerability more positively than you think. This doesn't mean abandoning knowledge. It means not letting knowledge take the place of emotion.